Mom

So the last year hasn't exactly been the best one. January started out great – my mom had beaten cancer and her stem cell transplant was going really well. She had energy like she'd never had before, and even went back to work in April. Then as the months passed she started to get worse. She got sick in May, and the more days that passed I saw her become an entirely different woman right in front of my eyes. In September I (hesitantly) went on a much needed vacation, and came back to something so shocking I just can't put it into words. My mom passed away a few weeks later from liver failure brought on by her stem cell transplant… and my whole world was thrown upside down. She would have been 67 this Friday.

We had no idea mom was as sick as she was. I don't know if she was keeping things from us or she didn't know herself, so I struggle a lot with anger. Why didn't the docs do something sooner? Why didn't mom say anything?  Why, why, why…  I had gone with her to her last appointment, which was less than a week before she passed, and the doctors didn't indicate that things were bad. The words were something like "you're not at a critical point yet." We knew her liver was wonky – she was jaundiced and had been for months so it was very clear something wasn't right. But no one said she was in liver failure. No one took a second look at the ultrasound she'd had just a few days earlier. No one did anything. Just the typical "wait and see" treatment plan the docs had been prescribing for months. And this was at the best cancer hospital in the country! They're supposed to be on top of all this stuff!

When she was diagnosed in the summer of 2012 I went through all the "what if she dies?" thoughts – you hear a cancer diagnosis and your mind just kinda goes there. My mom and I even had a chat about what to do if she died: sell the house, sell the car, and dad lives with me.  But as much as I thought I was prepared, you never really are. Nothing can prepare you for seeing your mother in a hospital bed … that way. As horrible as it is, I even prayed that she'd be released from her pain, because seeing her that way was not what she wanted. When we got the call I drove dad and I to the hospital, keeping calm as to not upset my dad even further. We didn't make it in time to say goodbye, but she went peacefully and her sister was with her 'til the end. I had a moment with mom before we left the hospital. I needed her to know that we loved her. That she was an amazing mother and that she raised my brother and I to be the best we could be, which is why I knew we'd be okay. Gave her lots of kisses and stroked her hair … until my dad had to come and pull me away. Leaving her… one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Now I'm suddenly responsible for things my mom used to be in charge of: making sure my dads house bills are paid, that dad's eating right and taking his medications, that Buddy gets to the vet and doesn't eat things he's not supposed to… Plus clearing up all the estate stuff you need to deal with after someone passes – wow, it's a ton of work! Next on the list is preparing the house for sale. Do we re-paint and re-carpet, or sell it as-is? So much to consider...

Family photo from WAY back. I love this pic...

Mom with Buddy when he was a few weeks old

Mom and Dad in Twillingate, NL

Mom and I at a lighthouse in St Anthony, NL.
The BEST seafood chowder we ever had...

Mom and I partying it up at my brother's bon voyage party.
Drinks anyone?

One of the things I still need to learn is to let things go and not sweat the small stuff. Mom was good at that. She was also really good at putting you in your place and standing up for herself, which is something I may struggle with forever… but I'm working on it, mama. Death puts a lot of things in perspective, and tends to highlight the people that love you and, unfortunately, those that don't. If I've learned ANYTHING in the last year it's been that we all deserve goodness in our lives. That we should surround ourselves with the people we care about, and the people who care about us. Don't waste your time on things that don't matter. I'm still trying to practice what I preach, but I'm getting better.

My mother was one of the strongest people I have ever known, and I didn't realize she'd passed on that trait until all of this happened. I still struggle with a lot of things – family birthdays and holidays so far have really sucked, and redecorating my apartment without her is not as fun – but when I struggle I just talk to her. Ask her to give me a sign, or slap some sense into me. I wish she was here right now to do some slapping, cuz I could use a little slap back into reality today. Every day gets a little easier, but I still miss her like crazy. It's weird to call my dad and not ask to talk to mom, or having takeout on Sunday instead of roast beef dinner, or going on a shopping spree and not having someone to talk to about all the deals I got… It's weird, but hopefully it'll seem more normal over time. Or I'll find new traditions or new people to share with.

To all those who have been there over the last year: thank you. Thank you for covering my ass at work. Thank you for driving me to Toronto. Thank you for bringing over food and cards and gifts and love. Thank you for holding my hand and drying my tears. Just thank you. I would not be this strong without you either.

So I'll end with my New Years Eve toast.

To all those who had a crappy 2013, here's to us. May 2014 bring us lots of love and happiness … and maybe a little crazy thrown in for good measure.

Miss you so much, mom, and I'll love you always. Now I'm going to take your advice and find a good bottle of wine, and hopefully a hot man to share it with.